Success and Failure

I am a performer, not just in the sense of I get in front of people and sing, but also in the sense that I judge myself by my performance all the time. I've been an athlete, an entertainer, a worship leader and much more. I've had a lot of great moments of success.

Side note, I think this is why I like video games. I don't want to just passively watch another world. I want to do something in it. I want to win. And I'm not a really firey, in-your-face competitor. I just quietly and calmly destroy you. Play Mario Kart with me some time. I don't care if its your first time, I will lap you. There is no going easy. I will use the power slide boost on every curve I can (don't know what that is? yeah. I know all the moves).

The flip side of this is I despise failure. I judge myself harshly when I lose. I go over every mistake and analyze the performance and make myself better. Heck, if I don't win by enough, I still do that.

I tend to do this in the Christian life too. I am desperately thirsty. I want to succeed. I want to accomplish. I want to be perfect. I want God to be near me because I am so awesome. But guess what? (News flash to me) I am not awesome (Most of you probably knew this already). I am pretty awful at being Christ like, and I fall into this spiraling pit of despair and hopelessness because I can't seem to succeed. Since I want God to be near me because I am awesome, I also think that there is no way God will want me near when I am not. I ask the question of God often, "God why do you bother with me? I am such a failure! You have to work so hard on me! Why do you try?"

"We acknowledge our wickedness, O LORD, and the iniquity of our fathers, for we have sinned against you. Do not spurn us, for your name's sake; do not dishonor your glorious throne; remember and do not break your covenant with us." Jeremiah 14:20-21.

God entered into a covenant relationship with the nation of Israel. He calls them to obey and he promises to be near them and to make them his holy people. The problem is they fail. Repeatedly. Horribly. But this was not a contract. God did not say if you obey me, I will make you my people. He said obey AND I will make you my people. And this verse tells us why. Its for His name's sake, for his glory. God's nearness to us and his salvation have nothing to do with our performance and has everything to do with his character. David says the same thing in Psalm 51.

Have mercy on me, O God,
   according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy    blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
   and cleanse me from my sin!

We have a God who judges us not based on our work but based on his grace. All we have to do is believe in it. This is such a balm for my soul when my mind is wracked with failure. His grace is not dependent upon me. He remains near to me because he is awesome.

If we are honest with ourselves, its not really the success that drives us or failure that depresses us. It is the results of these things. We want the noteriety, the money, the respect, the power, the adulation and we despise the humiliation and the lack of reward. God enters into our world and says "Don't worry about that. Here is your result. You can have it. Its yours. Now LIVE WITHOUT FEAR. Live with EAGER EXPECTATION. LIVE FOR ME."

"With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation." Isaiah 12:3.

What about you? How often do you find yourself falling into a performance mentality?