Shame and Approval

How much of what we do and feel on a day to day basis is based on what the people around us think? Think about how we dress. The phrase "I wouldn't be caught dead wearing that..." should be finished with the phrase "because people will think I am _____" nearly every time. Side note, I definately have something that most people would not be caught dead in. Its on Facebook. Lets just say its orange, and they are somewhere between shorts and pants. Oh yes. Find it. I'm not ashamed : p

Here is what still gets me. When I am with people at work or in social situations outside of church and the topic of sex comes up, why do I have that moment of embarrasment that I am still a virgin? Why do I have the urge to look down and away and admit it quietly? I'm 26, have been saying this for years, and STILL I can't get over that first gut reaction.

On the other side, whenever the subject of partying comes up, I feel an irresitable urge to tell of my college exploits, the crazy drinks I have had, the crazy things I have done, whatever. I strive to identify with them. I can't bring myself not to mention it.

WHY?

Its shame. I wonder if people will approve. I wonder what they will think. How I will look in their eyes. How I will be dismissed in their mind.

I am desperately thirsty. I am an attention whore. My greatest social fear, more than embarrassment (because that gives you attention), is to be dismissed. Irrelevent. Looked down upon. I want to command respect and attention, whatever the cost.

"Yes I will rejoice, because I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance as it it my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage, now as always, Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Phil 1: 18-21

Many things are wrapped up in this passage. What it is saying to me today is that there will be no shame at the revelation of Jesus Christ for the things that I did in his name, even from those that seek to shame me now. I believe that part of what it means when "every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord to the glory of God the Father" is that those who chose Christ will be looked upon on that day and everyone will think, "yeah, they made a good choice". Our decisions to be pure, to be sober, to be poor, to be giving, to be disciplined will be looked upon by all as right and good. What choice will everyone have when God himself gives his approval and gives us his reward?

As always, I settle for a shadow. I settle for the approval of a few now instead of the approval by ALL later. As with any desire, approval is not wrong itself. The desire is designed to drive us to God and his purpose. Paul says that this moment is his eager expectation and hope. He longs for that moment when his actions, choices and sacrifices will be vindicated by God in the sight of all men.

So I drink deeply of this water, this promise that even this desire will be fulfilled on that day. I pray that God will  imbed into my heart that this future fulfillment is enough to quench my thrist now and that will "press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus," because one day, I will be caught dead doing something. Will I be ashamed then? Only by the grace of God will I not.

But I would  still be careful about what you wear in public. Especially if they are orange capris. That may never be vindicated, by anybody. But hey, at least they matched my shoes...wait what?

Oh yes.

What about you? How does shame play a part in your day to day life? Is it time to overcome them?