Ever since my heart has began to be regenerated, which was about four years ago, scripture has never failed to speak to me. I would open the Word of God and feel it living, feel it speaking, feel it teaching and feel it convicting. Every time I open the Word, I have had something to write, whether it be for bible study, for teaching, for leading, for planning, for blogging or for journaling. It has been an amazing time of discovery and worship and love and adoration.
On this day, I had nothing.
I was not panicked yet though. This had happened before. I would open a passage and just not know where to start. I would blankly stare at a text and my mind would spin, having no order or no coherence or no direction. I would stop and ask God to reveal himself to me. I would tell God that I need him and that I wanted to see him. I would ask him to remember his promise from his word, his covenant love and kindness. I would open the text again and his words would be there, living and active, speaking to my soul, giving me something to write.
On this day, I had nothing.
And I was terrified.
You see, the night before, my heart, my thoughts and my actions were far from God. I had bought into the promise of immediacy, the allure of the here and now, the burning desire deep in my gut that needed to be dealt with. I chose to forget God's promise, God's character, God's satisfaction, God's hope. This was not the first time, and it won't be the last but it was the first time I had ever heard God tell me...
ENOUGH
"When you come to appear before me, who has required of you this
trampling of my courts? Bring no more vain offerings; incense is an abomination
to me. New moon and Sabbath and the calling of convocations— I cannot endure
iniquity and solemn assembly. Your new moons and your appointed feasts my soul
hates; they have become a burden to me; I am weary of bearing them. When you
spread out your hands, I will hide my eyes from you; even though you make many
prayers, I will not listen; your hands are full of blood." Isaiah 1:12-15
As much as God has shown his love for us and as much as he has proven it, God has also shown his holiness. God has proven that he despises sin. He does not and cannot abide it in his presence. He grows weary of our words of loyalty when they are tainted by acts of betrayal. He tires of our fruitless devotion when it is infected by poisonous treason.
And after a while, he will hide from you.
He will refuse to be found.
He will ignore your prayers.
I have prayed Psalm 51 before but never with such fervency, such desperation. "Cast me not out of your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me! Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit!" I feverishly prayed this as inscribed these words in my journal. I sat back...
...and closed my journal.
I was done. I had nothing left to say. I simply had to wait for God's answer. I surrounded myself with the Word that day, through music and sermons and people and prayers. I did not open the word again, but infused my mind and my soul with Christ and his people. Holiness was pursued vigorously, sin was avoided mercilessly, God was worship fervently and desperately. I NEEDED to taste the goodness of God again.
I opened the word again, to the same passage I had opened before...
...and God was there. It wasn't profound or life changing or theology altering that morning. But the Word was speaking. Words were in my mind and coming through my hands on to the paper. Thoughts were clear and God was present. He had returned and revealed himself again.
I am desperately thirsty and over the past four years God has begun to refine my taste. He has promised and he has delivered and I have tasted and seen his goodness. I had, however, began to take it for granted. I had read these words before, prayed David's prayer, but never had I identified with the feeling and never had I felt like God had left me. Never had I felt like I needed God's presence in me. I had been drinking things in for 4 years, whether God or sin. I had quenched my thirst with one or the other because both were available. Never had I reached out for God and not found him there to drink from.
And that was terrifying.
I am desperately thirsty, and now by God's grace, he is using that thirst to save my soul.
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