Out of His Presence

One day last week, I woke up and experienced the scariest moment I have ever experienced.

Ever since my heart has began to be regenerated, which was about four years ago, scripture has never failed to speak to me. I would open the Word of God and feel it living, feel it speaking, feel it teaching and feel it convicting. Every time I open the Word, I have had something to write, whether it be for bible study, for teaching, for leading, for planning, for blogging or for journaling. It has been an amazing time of discovery and worship and love and adoration.

On this day, I had nothing.

I was not panicked yet though. This had happened before. I would open a passage and just not know where to start. I would blankly stare at a text and my mind would spin, having no order or no coherence or no direction. I would stop and ask God to reveal himself to me. I would tell God that I need him and that I wanted to see him. I would ask him to remember his promise from his word, his covenant love and kindness. I would open the text again and his words would be there, living and active, speaking to my soul, giving me something to write.

On this day, I had nothing.

And I was terrified.

You see, the night before, my heart, my thoughts and my actions were far from God. I had bought into the promise of immediacy, the allure of the here and now, the burning desire deep in my gut that needed to be dealt with. I chose to forget God's promise, God's character, God's satisfaction, God's hope. This was not the first time, and it won't be the last but it was the first time I had ever heard God tell me...

ENOUGH

"When you come to appear before me, who has required of you this trampling of my courts? Bring no more vain offerings; incense is an abomination to me. New moon and Sabbath and the calling of convocations— I cannot endure iniquity and solemn assembly. Your new moons and your appointed feasts my soul hates; they have become a burden to me; I am weary of bearing them. When you spread out your hands, I will hide my eyes from you; even though you make many prayers, I will not listen; your hands are full of blood." Isaiah 1:12-15

As much as God has shown his love for us and as much as he has proven it, God has also shown his holiness. God has proven that he despises sin. He does not and cannot abide it in his presence. He grows weary of our words of loyalty when they are tainted by acts of betrayal. He tires of our fruitless devotion when it is infected by poisonous treason. 

And after a while, he will hide from you. 

He will refuse to be found. 

He will ignore your prayers.

I have prayed Psalm 51 before but never with such fervency, such desperation. "Cast me not out of your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me! Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit!" I feverishly prayed this as inscribed these words in my journal. I sat back...

...and closed my journal. 

I was done. I had nothing left to say. I simply had to wait for God's answer. I surrounded myself with the Word that day, through music and sermons and people and prayers. I did not open the word again, but infused my mind and my soul with Christ and his people. Holiness was pursued vigorously, sin was avoided mercilessly, God was worship fervently and desperately. I NEEDED to taste the goodness of God again. 

I opened the word again, to the same passage I had opened before...

...and God was there. It wasn't profound or life changing or theology altering that morning. But the Word was speaking. Words were in my mind and coming through my hands on to the paper. Thoughts were clear and God was present. He had returned and revealed himself again.

I am desperately thirsty and over the past four years God has begun to refine my taste. He has promised and he has delivered and I have tasted and seen his goodness. I had, however, began to take it for granted. I had read these words before, prayed David's prayer, but never had I identified with the feeling and never had I felt like God had left me. Never had I felt like I needed God's presence in me. I had been drinking things in for 4 years, whether God or sin. I had quenched my thirst with one or the other because both were available. Never had I reached out for God and not found him there to drink from.

And that was terrifying. 

I am desperately thirsty, and now by God's grace, he is using that thirst to save my soul. 

Success and Failure

I am a performer, not just in the sense of I get in front of people and sing, but also in the sense that I judge myself by my performance all the time. I've been an athlete, an entertainer, a worship leader and much more. I've had a lot of great moments of success.

Side note, I think this is why I like video games. I don't want to just passively watch another world. I want to do something in it. I want to win. And I'm not a really firey, in-your-face competitor. I just quietly and calmly destroy you. Play Mario Kart with me some time. I don't care if its your first time, I will lap you. There is no going easy. I will use the power slide boost on every curve I can (don't know what that is? yeah. I know all the moves).

The flip side of this is I despise failure. I judge myself harshly when I lose. I go over every mistake and analyze the performance and make myself better. Heck, if I don't win by enough, I still do that.

I tend to do this in the Christian life too. I am desperately thirsty. I want to succeed. I want to accomplish. I want to be perfect. I want God to be near me because I am so awesome. But guess what? (News flash to me) I am not awesome (Most of you probably knew this already). I am pretty awful at being Christ like, and I fall into this spiraling pit of despair and hopelessness because I can't seem to succeed. Since I want God to be near me because I am awesome, I also think that there is no way God will want me near when I am not. I ask the question of God often, "God why do you bother with me? I am such a failure! You have to work so hard on me! Why do you try?"

"We acknowledge our wickedness, O LORD, and the iniquity of our fathers, for we have sinned against you. Do not spurn us, for your name's sake; do not dishonor your glorious throne; remember and do not break your covenant with us." Jeremiah 14:20-21.

God entered into a covenant relationship with the nation of Israel. He calls them to obey and he promises to be near them and to make them his holy people. The problem is they fail. Repeatedly. Horribly. But this was not a contract. God did not say if you obey me, I will make you my people. He said obey AND I will make you my people. And this verse tells us why. Its for His name's sake, for his glory. God's nearness to us and his salvation have nothing to do with our performance and has everything to do with his character. David says the same thing in Psalm 51.

Have mercy on me, O God,
   according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy    blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
   and cleanse me from my sin!

We have a God who judges us not based on our work but based on his grace. All we have to do is believe in it. This is such a balm for my soul when my mind is wracked with failure. His grace is not dependent upon me. He remains near to me because he is awesome.

If we are honest with ourselves, its not really the success that drives us or failure that depresses us. It is the results of these things. We want the noteriety, the money, the respect, the power, the adulation and we despise the humiliation and the lack of reward. God enters into our world and says "Don't worry about that. Here is your result. You can have it. Its yours. Now LIVE WITHOUT FEAR. Live with EAGER EXPECTATION. LIVE FOR ME."

"With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation." Isaiah 12:3.

What about you? How often do you find yourself falling into a performance mentality?